Losing a child is the most devastating time I've ever endured. I never thought it would or could happen to me. The question I had was "Why me?". It started in late March of 2009, I had a late period but felt very strange. I was out in Alexandria with my now ex (and father of my son) helping him move furniture and the like from a friend's condo. I started bleeding and ran to the bathroom, sat immediately on the toilet and watched in horror as I miscarried my child. "Why are you crying?", asked the ex. "I just miscarried our baby in a toilet asshole!!! Why the hell do you think I'm crying my eyes out!!" I yelled back. Little did I know this pregnancy wasn't over. I never went to my doctor to get checked out to make sure everything was ok. Being a nurse and knowing my body pretty darn well, I assumed (something I NEVER do anymore) everything was fine and I could deal with the loss and move on with my life and stick to my plan of leaving HIM. In a nutshell, this relationship was a volatile one and it changed me forever in more ways than one. So life continued, until the beginning of June, when I still did not have a normal period. And I noticed my bosom was noticeably larger. Finally two weeks later I took a pregnancy test thinking, "I'm not pregnant, it's just due to stress and living with a nightmare of a mate", but the test read positive. And then I knew. I knew I had been carrying twins, only one hadn't miscarried. I was in complete shock. I explained to the ex what was happening. He had been working up in West Virginia at his mom's organic shop. They had bought the county liquor license and now had to build an addition on to store all the spirits. So off he went for the week, while I stayed behind with our son and went to have an ultrasound. I was already 22 weeks and six days!
That was on a Tuesday. On Thursday, I woke up feeling blase' and my stomach was tight. I remembered speaking to my girlfriend the previous night on the phone. "I don't want another baby", I said sadly. I was so ready to be done with the ex. "God works in mysterious ways", replied my friend. Boy was she right. So while feeling awful, I went to the bathroom to pee and brush my teeth. As I sat down, I discovered blood in my panties. And then that's when I was taken to the ER.
The labor couldn't be stopped. I gave birth to a beautiful baby girl. She weighted 1 lb and 4 oz, 12 inches long, and she was so tiny I was too scared to hold her. The signs of life were all there. She came out crying, skin pink, and she even pooped. All excellent signs she was going to make it! But she had underdeveloped lungs, and as a nurse, a pediatric one at that, I knew what her true chances were and that was very slim. Knowing the reality of all that could happen, I told the doctor I didn't want her poked and prodded to death. Breathing measures were acceptable but cardiac was off limits. To have to revive her would be torturous to her. And I couldn't allow that to happen. If she was strong enough to survive then she would do just that. However, that wasn't the case that day.
Three o'clock was the time the doctor said they would med evac her to Fairfax provided she remained stable. At two thirty, I was told she wasnt breathing normally, and that a chest tube wouldn't help. I knew now I had to prepare and to do it fast. I told the staff to bring my baby to me. She came dressed in a white lace christening gown and cap, and how she took my breath away. I held this tiny angel in my arms and bonded with her with what little time we had. I requested a chaplin come. "What is her name", asked the chaplin ever so softly. I looked down at her, barely able to breath let alone speak and whispered "Willow, Willow Nevaeh". And she began reciting a prayer I didn't even know. I looked up at the ceiling and said "Please take her God, take her now and don't make her suffer, please please please. And then I heard silence, the prayer was over and I looked down and saw her take her last little breath ever so quietly. And my heart ached, ached more than I could ever possibly imagine. I just sat there and held her in my arms for what seemed like an eternity, rocking and sobbing uncontrollably.
I prepared for everything that day. I was released the following day and of course the now ex had been notified of everything that went on and he never showed up to support me nor to help my oldest daughter care for our son. I was left to deal with not only our daughter's death but also to orchestrate her cremation and the expenses. He kept her a secret to everyone he knew, including his own mother.
I have since moved on and I now have my own place and am enjoying life to the fullest. I see things so differently now. I finally have some clarity on what life is really about. And I have this theory that Willow gave up her precious life for her siblings and myself. She knew I was unhappy and living in hell so to speak. She opened up the door for us to finally be free and live life how it's supposed to be. There's not a moment or day that goes by that she isn't remembered. And I feel her all around me, I know she's watching over us, smiling with what I presume is a cute little chubby face with baby food all over it. And that makes me cry and laugh all at the same time.
